Spicing up NBA All-Star Weekend

The NBA All-Star Game will be played this Sunday, but it will be far from the only NBA-related event of the weekend. The Slam Dunk Contest, the Three-Point Shootout, the Skills Competition and the Rookie-Sophomore game will all lead up to the main event. All things considered, the weekend should be fun to follow, even for the casual fan. However, that does not mean that I haven't been thinking of ways to make All-Star weekend even more entertaining, only some of which involve Jeremy Lin. If I become NBA commissioner for some reason, expect to see the following events:

Croquet Competition: One of the main criticisms of the NBA All-Star Weekend is that there is not enough time for players to rest, which is particularly true in this condensed season. At the same time, we know athletes always want to stay competitive. Not only is croquet physically relaxing, it gives the potential for a commentator to legitimately say: "Kenyon Martin knocks Metta World Peace's ball through the third wicket!"

Capture the Flag: Everyone loved playing capture the flag as a child, only to somehow find themselves in college doing something called "homework." Imagine watching some of the very best athletes, who probably have not even thought about the game in 10 years, strategize how they can get to the other side without being thrown in jail. As a bonus, the "flags" will be J.J. Barea and Earl Boykins, who are small enough that they can be held in Dwight Howard's palm.

Trivial Pursuit: Did you ever wonder which NBA players knew the capital of Syria? If yes, then you are either: A. Me, or B. The perfect audience for the greatest intellectual competition of all-time (excluding every other intellectual competition). Jeremy Lin will be the judge in order to prevent the inevitable argument over which team the Harvard University graduate should play for.

Twenty Questions: Will LeBron James think of an animal, a vegetable or a mineral? Will Kobe Bryant deliberately answer "no" to a question where the answer clearly is "yes"? The suspense is already killing me!

Jeremy Lin Pun Contest: Players will be divided into three teams. The team that comes up with the most puns based on Jeremy Lin's last name gets to be immune from ever hearing any more "Lin" puns again.

Mario Kart: NBA players are known to play lots of video games in their free time, particularly other basketball-related games. However, I think it would be far more interesting to watch Lamar Odom try to navigate Yoshi through Bowser's Castle without falling in the water. Also, there will be a five-second penalty for each player that curses, so watch Kevin Garnett as he pleas that he actually said, "lass goal."

Telephone: I always wondered what locker-room conversations must be like between teammates that speak different languages, but now I will know the answer. Each team will be required to have at least three different foreign players, all of whom speak different languages. To boot, each phrase will be a tongue twister, in order to ensure the utmost wackiness.

Miss America: Male athletes have a reputation for trying to be as masculine as possible, but everyone has different sides to them. What lip-gloss will Chris Paul choose to match his dress? Does Dirk Nowitzki even need a wig? These are questions that must be answered at once.

Bingo: At some point, every player will be in retirement. The best way, nay the ONLY way, to prepare for this inevitability is to master the art of bingo. Each bingo board will also be made of candy, in order to tempt Eddy Curry and Baron Davis into eating them.

Being Jeremy Lin: Only Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow are allowed to enter, and everyone around the world must watch by law.