How NBA stars might use free time

I hope you're enjoying the NBA lockout, everybody! With little progress being made towards a deal that will begin the season, players have to find a backup plan to occupy themselves. Here's a look at what some pros are doing, and what they should be doing.

The plan: Star New Jersey Nets point guard Deron Wiliams signed a contract with the Turkish basketball team Besiktas and is currently averaging 20 points and eight assists per game playing against competition that even Williams has probably never heard of.

My (better) suggestion: Williams should travel across Europe, looking for the tallest people, and force them to join him on the Nets so the team can finally get more than two rebounds per game.

The plan: Minnesota Timberwolves forward Kevin Love, last year's leading rebounder, participated in the Manhattan Beach Volleyball Open this summer. He and a partner lost easily to two Olympic hopefuls in straight sets.

My (better) suggestion: If Love wants to try another sport so badly, why doesn't he just play dodgeball? He can throw his outlet passes directly at the competition's knees and give them celebratory noogies. You know, because he's so much taller than everyone else.

The plan: Reigning Rookie of the Year and slam-dunk champion Blake Griffin is interning for the comedy website Funny or Die, writing and appearing in multiple videos. The Los Angeles Clipper is staying in Hollywood, where Funny or Die is located.

My (better) suggestion: Yes, Griffin is funny, but I'm pretty sure he could be saving the world with his magical jumping powers. Is there a cat stuck in a tree? Blake Griffin to the rescue! Did Clippers' owner Donald Sterling take children's Halloween candy and hide it in a tree just because he can? Blake Griffin to the rescue!

The plan: Los Angeles Lakers forward Luke Walton was hired to be an assistant coach for the University of Memphis basketball team. Once the NBA lockout ends, Walton is free to join the Lakers again, even if it is during the Tigers' season.

My (better) suggestion: Stay in Memphis. Not because Walton is necessarily a good coach, but because every time Walton sits at the end of the bench in a 30-point Lakers win, Adam Morrison sheds a single tear.

The plan: Cleveland Cavaliers point guard Baron Davis is taking classes at University of California, Los Angeles, the school which he attended through sophomore year before declaring for the NBA Draft 12 years ago.

My (better) suggestion: Judging by Davis' extra weight and lack of conditioning, it would seem reasonable for me to write that he should be working out extra hard while he has the time and few distractions. However, I think he should go in the opposite direction and enter competitive eating competitions throughout the country. Is there a pizza challenge in a fourth grade class in Iowa? You better watch out kids, Davis is showing up, and he likes his pizza.

The plan: Troubled Boston Celtics guard Delonte West announced via Twitter that he is now working for Regency Furniture, located in the Washington D.C. area.

My (better) suggestion: Since West pled guilty to multiple weapons charges last year, it's probably not the best idea for him to be near the nation's capital. Perhaps West could serve as a role model for the impressionable youth of today: They can learn that whatever West does, it is advisable to do the exact opposite.

The plan: The famous (or is it infamous?) Ron Artest has been extremely busy during his NBA downtime, changing his name to Metta World Peace, participating in Dancing with the Stars and even spending time with singer Celene Dion in Las Vegas.

My (better) suggestion: What do you think I am, some sort of career genius? I can't possibly top Peace's brilliance. Maybe Vassar could hire him to work in its Career Development Office.

NCAA Teams Inexplicably Change Leagues

There are some things in this world that, no matter how smart you are, you’ll never fully understand.  What is dark matter?  Who shot Tupac and Biggie?  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?  And of course, which school is in which conference for football?  Realignment began to take place in earnest a year ago, but now virtually no team is guaranteed to remain in the conference they are currently apart of. 

 Here is a primer as to the moves that have been officially announced or possibilities reported by major news outlets, because quite frankly I know I could use a list and I’m sure others would appreciate it too.  Keep in mind that as this article goes to print, rumors continue to swirl, and we are most certainly not done with realignment.

Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC): Let’s start out with a conference that is relatively cut and dry.  Currently, the ACC has twelve schools, and none of them are currently seriously considering leaving the conference.  In addition, both the University of Pittsburgh and the University of Syracuse have officially declared that they will be leaving the Big East for the ACC as soon as they are able. The ACC has said while it is pleased with its new 14 team league, it also would not be opposed to expanding even further to 16 teams.  Specifically, both Rutgers University and the University of Connecticut have reportedly expressed interest in defecting from the Big East to join the ACC if they are approved. 

My Thoughts: Remember when Maryland was considered the northern limit for the ACC?  I half expect the Toronto Argonauts to join because, hey, they’ve heard of the Atlantic too.

Big Ten: Believe it or not, as of now the Big Ten does not plan to gain or lose any schools in the next few years.  The conference already added the University of Nebraska last year to gain its twelfth team, and consequently is now eligible to host a conference championship game. 

My Thoughts: I’m just happy that the winner of the Big Ten conference title still has the opportunity of a lifetime: to lose to an SEC school by 40 points in the national title game.

Big East: Oh, boy.  I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible.  As I mentioned before, Pittsburgh and Syracuse are definitely leaving, and Connecticut and Rutgers both want to leave.  Also, West Virginia announced last week that it was joining the Big 12.  If the Big East had 16 football teams like they do basketball teams, they could afford to lose 3-5 schools and still have a legitimate conference without replacing any of those teams.  However, only eight of the 16 schools that are currently a part of the conference have football teams, meaning that an already weak football conference would be utterly decimated unless it adds at least as many teams as its losing.  Thus, the Big East has reportedly invited Boise State, Navy, and Air Force to join the conference only for football, as well as Southern Methodist, Houston, and Central Florida for all sports.  Assuming that all these schools accept their respective invitations and only the schools guaranteed to leave defect, the Big East will have 11 football teams, still one short of being able to have a championship game.  The conference is reportedly considering adding Temple and/or Memphis as well.

My Thoughts: The Big East is such a pathetic football conference that the region “East” is considering changing its name.

Pac 12: Similarly to the Big Ten, the Pac 12 just expanded this year, adding Utah and Colorado, and reportedly is satisfied with the twelve teams they have right now.  Despite rumors of interest from Texas and Oklahoma, among others, the conference is not ready to further expand. 

My Thoughts: Oh, I see, Pac 12.  You’re just so easygoing and mellow that you’re not looking for any more schools.  That’s such a typical laid-back west coast attitude to have.  Surf’s up, bro!

Big 12: Yes, the Big 12 now has ten teams and the Big Ten has twelve teams.  Good, I’m glad we got that out of the way.  Last season, the Big 12 was the big loser, when both Nebraska and Colorado defected, and the developments this year seem no more promising.  Despite the incoming arrival of West Virginia and Texas Christian, the Big 12 will definitely be losing Texas A&M and most likely Missouri to the SEC.  Combine that with Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech looking for bigger paydays, and you get the Big 12 continuing to hold on.

My Thoughts: The strange thing about the Big 12 is either it will be the second-best football conference or it will cease to exist, as we know it.  There is no in between,

Southeastern Conference (SEC): The best football conference virtually every year has nothing to be concerned about.  In fact, it has already added Texas A&M and is most likely going to add Missouri, as the conference’s official website briefly reported before being taken down.  The SEC is a lock to have at least 14 teams within the next 2-3 years.

My Thoughts: The SEC is looking to move into the NFL, with the Indianapolis Colts and Miami Dolphins being relegated to Division III.

Mountain West/Conference USA:  Could there be a seventh major football conference in the coming years?  Since last month, there have been multiple reports that the two mid-major conferences are considering merging just for football, giving them a mega-conference.  As of now, there would be twenty teams, but considering that the Big East looks to poach at least four of these schools, don’t expect too big of a conference even if the two decide to join forces

My Thoughts: This is an excellent, original way for an undefeated team in a non-BCS conference to continue to have no shot at a national title.

 So what have we learned today?  I still don’t know who Carly Simon thinks is “so vain”, but at least we can say we understand the possible ramifications of major realignment across the NCAA. Maybe.

NBA lockout detrimental to long-term league viability

With every hour that passes by, there is an increasing chance that there will be no 2011-2012 NBA season. At the very least, it will be a virtual certainty that a severely shortened season, due to a disagreement between the owners and players over how to split $4 billion in revenue, will take place. Over the past several days, the owners and NBA Player Association representatives have stated that they are working long hours to try to reach an agreement, yet the sides are only marginally closer than they were before. Rather than inundate you with the specific numbers, however, I want to express my immense frustration with everyone involved in the negotiations.

The 2010-11 NBA season was, from the beginning of the offseason to the end of the NBA Finals, the most entertaining season I have witnessed as a sports fan. The fact that I do not even have a team that I consistently support in the league says all one needs to know about the quality of play and storylines that took place last year. We all know about LeBron James' now-infamous "Decision," which, to his shock, made his Miami Heat public enemy number one. The Los Angeles Lakers looked to have a real chance to win three straight championships, with Kobe Bryant on the precipice of tying Michael Jordan's six NBA titles, only to be swept by the previously much-maligned Dallas Mavericks in the second round of the playoffs. Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls transformed from a very good young point guard into an MVP, and led the Bulls to the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time since Jordan was their shooting guard. Even the bad teams had players to root for, such as the Minnesota Timberwolves power forward and NBA rebounding leader Kevin Love. In short, it truly was a banner year for the league, and clearly a springboard to an even more compelling season this year.
Alas, the fans do not run the NBA, and really we have no say in the goings on of these labor negotiations. We are pawns that continue to buy merchandise and season tickets and watch games on television—a means to an end.

Owners want shorter contracts, a harder salary cap and a larger percentage of the revenue than they received in the previous Collective Bargaining Agreement so that the rules prevent them from making foolish signings that they clearly would continue to do otherwise. Meanwhile, players are upset that the owners are punishing them for choosing to sign them for exorbitant amounts of money, and have little interest in giving up any financial progress they have made in the past decade. Add in Commissioner David Stern doing his best to play hardball on behalf of the owners, and agents discussing decertification, and we are left where the NFL was in April—only that was five months before the regular season was scheduled to start.

Since there has been no sense of urgency until last week, the NBA has far too much ground to make up for a timely solution to take place. Thus, all the momentum the league has built up over the decade will entirely disappear. So I hope the league is happy, when they will inevitably come to an agreement and both sides force smiles and claim victory, because in the end everyone loses. The NBA: Where League-razing Happens.

The case for Jacoby Ellsbury for American League MVP

Despite playing in Boston, one of the biggest baseball markets in the country, Jacoby Ellsbury has actually flown slightly under the radar this season. The Red Sox centerfielder has bounced back from a rocky 2010, when he was injured most of the season, to put up career-best power and defensive numbers. Yet, with the high-profile offseason acquisitions of Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford combined with Boston's favorites, David Ortiz and Kevin Youkilis, it is somewhat easy to overlook Ellsbury's fantastic season and why he should be the American League MVP.

To put it simply, Ellsbury is without a significant weakness. In the past, he was fast and an above-average defender, but did not hit for significant power. However, this season (as of Sept. 26) Ellsbury has 31 home runs in 156 games, whereas in the first 349 games of his career he hit only 20. Not only that, he also has 46 doubles and five triples, culminating in a .552 slugging percentage. In any context, these are excellent numbers, but consider that offense in baseball is at its lowest level since 1992, right before the so-called "steroid era" began. Consequently, Ellsbury ranks eighth in MLB in weighted on-base average, which combines a player's on-base and slugging contributions to his team.
That's only the beginning of Ellsbury's immense impact on the Red Sox. He stole 38 bases out in 53 attempts and only grounded out into eight double plays all season, thus rating as an above-average baserunner. This is hardly surprising considering that Ellsbury's fantastic speed has historically been his calling card. As the primary leadoff hitter for the Red Sox, Ellsbury has given the team a great power hitter and a speed threat in over 700 plate appearances this season.

While Ellsbury's hitting and baserunning by themselves give him an excellent case of winning the MVP, what sets him apart is his well above-average defense in centerfield, the but why most important position in the outfield. Fangraphs, a highly touted website focusing on baseball statistics, rates Ellsbury as having prevented 16 more runs defensively than the average centerfielder, best among centerfielders in the major leagues. Even with a slightly below-average arm, Ellsbury uses his speed and instincts to get to a high percentage of baseballs in his direction, and he has yet to commit an error this entire season.

All of Ellsbury's positive contributions give him, per Fangraphs, a total WAR (wins above replacement) of 9.7, meaning that the Red Sox won about 10 more games than they would have been expected to with a replacement-level centerfielder playing everyday. No one else in baseball has a higher WAR than 8.4, and only seven other American Leaguers have a WAR of at least seven. Even if we say that the defensive metrics that Fangraphs use overestimate his value, he has still been the best player not only in the American League but also throughout baseball. Jose Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays has had a better offensive season than Ellsbury and had the best first half in all of baseball, but he has been unable to keep the same pace after the All-Star break and is not even remotely in the same class as a defender.

Detroit Tigers starter Justin Verlander has certainly pitched fantastically, and the New York Yankees' Curtis Granderson and Tigers' Miguel Cabrera had remarkable offensive seasons as well. No one, however, has played a more complete and consistent game than Ellsbury has for the Boston Red Sox. I hope the fans and the media will no longer overlook him when everyone steps back to appreciate the historic season that he has achieved.

Mavs Win, And I'm OK With It

I have a confession to make: I was one of those people. That's right, I was rooting for the Miami Heat to win a championship all season long. The reason isn't that I liked LeBron James leaving Cleveland; I was actually quite dismayed about that for quite some time. However, I like to see greatness, and James and Dwyane Wade, I reasoned, were capable of things which I had never seen. Now, I liked Dallas, particularly Dirk, but it just didn't seem reasonable that the Mavericks really could outplay the Heat over a best-of-seven series. Against that Miami defense? There's no way Nowitzki, Kidd, and Terry would get open shots. Plus, I reasoned, LeBron would show everyone that he does have a killer instinct.

But something happened, gradually, that changed my perspective. Beginning in the middle of Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Dallas started outplaying Miami. It was not a matter of Miami being it's own worst enemy (though they certainly weren't doing themselves any favors by turning the ball over and missing free throws, particularly in Game 6). No, Dallas made the tough shots, got the offensive rebounds, and played fantastic zone defense. The Mavericks were calm, the Heat were not. So I essentially skipped the first four stages of grief because I accepted that Dallas played better than Miami. Maybe LeBron and Wade are the two best players in the NBA, maybe Miami is still on track to have a historic dynasty. It wouldn't shock me. However, I saw greatness in this series, and it didn't come from South Beach. Congrats, Dallas.

Your Week 2 NFL Picks Which You Should Not Follow

After a fun-filled opening weekend, the National Football season is upon us.  Now it’s time to cover the most holy of football traditions: who am I going to pick so I can pay my bookie Vinny back and not get my kneecaps broken?  At least, that’s my tradition.  So without further ado, here are my picks to cover the spread, with home teams in all capital letters.

Kansas City (+2.5) over CLEVELAND: Browns QB Jake Delhomme is truly one of the most giving players in the NFL.  He’s willing to pass to anyone, regardless of what color jersey he wears.  He really would be Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream quarterback, if Dr. King wanted to lose.

Buffalo (+13.5) over GREEN BAY: The current selection of offensive lineman for the Bills consists of Goldberg from the Mighty Ducks, George Constanza, and Fat Albert, so protection is a slight issue.  Meanwhile, 35 year-old Packers star cornerback Charles Woodson received an extension through 2014.  Perhaps it’s not coincidental that people in Green Bay are suggesting a change of their stadium to Life Alert field.

Baltimore (PK) over CINCINNATI: The Bengals have two wide receivers with reality shows, a cornerback more known for his visits to strip clubs than his playing skills, and a defensive tackle who had enough weapons in his basement to store a small army. So I think we can agree that they will be completely focused to play.  On the other hand, the Ravens have Ray Lewis who, according to a recent Old Spice commercial, blew up Saturn.

TENNESSEE (-5) over Pittsburgh: The Vince Young and Chris Johnson duo made Oakland Raiders fans feel even worse about being Raiders fans, which really says something about their skills.  The Steelers are still without Ben Roethlisberger, who is suspended for not being a good boy, so they are frantically searching for a new quarterback that the rest of the league can boo.

Philadelphia (OFF) over DETROIT: The Lions suffered a brutal loss to the Chicago Bears last weekend, when wide receiver Calvin Johnson appeared to catch the game-winning touchdown only to have it ruled incomplete.  Luckily, the Lions fans have no idea what happened, since the paper bags over their heads prevented them from seeing the game. 

Chicago (+9.5) over DALLAS: After a sloppy loss to the Washington Redskins, Dallas will be prepared to listen to more Carrie Underwood than ever to get them inspired Sunday against the Bears.  Chicago quarterback Jay Cutler may demand a trade because his team only has one win so far and he misses his mommy.

CAROLINA (OFF) over. Tampa Bay: The Buccaneers won the opening Toilet Bowl of the NFL by defeating Cleveland, showing that they already are better than a real life professional team!  Everyone on the Panthers, meanwhile, seems to be on the hot seat, including cornerback Captain Munnerlyn, who appeared to have been majorly outplayed last week by General Mills and Sergeant Snorkel.

ATLANTA (-7) over Arizona: The Falcons continue to be the most boring team in the NFL, not scoring a touchdown in their overtime loss to the Steelers last week.  This week, however, I expect the hometown gunshots to wake the team up, although it may cause a plethora of false starts.

Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA: Rumor has it that the mayor of Minneapolis has agreed to let the Dolphins win if the Miami Heat allow the Minnesota Timberwolves to have Michael Beasley.  Sadly for Minnesota, they already have Beasley.

St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND: Coming off a bad loss to Tennessee, Raiders owner Al Davis demands some serious changes this week.  So I would expect the 81 year-old Davis to quarterback the team and in the process be better than the past ten Raiders QBs using his zombie face to scare away Rams defenders.

DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle: Tim Tebow made his NFL debut last week, and though his in-game numbers were not particularly impressive, he managed to baptize the entire stadium while giving out free circumcisions.  Can Kyle Orton do that? Well, can he!?

Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON: The Texans shocked perennial AFC powerhouse Indianapolis behind Running Back Arian Foster’s 231 yards and three touchdowns.  Now that Houston head coach Gary Kubiak has a clear-cut number one running back he will decide never to run the ball again and cause fantasy football owners to cry themselves to sleep.

Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO: If Jacksonville defeats San Diego, Jaguars pro bowl running back Maurice Jones-Drew promises to add another last name.  Jacksonville coaches have already asked if he could instead give them their first wide receiver.

New England (+1) over New York Jets: The Patriots got into hot water several years ago for spying on the Jets during a regular season game, but now the Jets are the team with the controversy: Coach Rex Ryan has been said to steal opposing players cheeseburgers and then put extra cheese on them before eating.    

COLTS (-5.5) over Giants: It’s the Manning Bowl again! I can’t wait to see Peyton and Eli make the Manning face before they cut to Archie making the Manning face.  Finally, broadcaster Cris Collinsworth will say “these teams both better ‘Manning’ up followed by Al Michaels banging his head against the wall in despair.

New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO: Saints quarerback Drew Brees is so beloved throughout the nation, the 49ers defense refuses to disrespect him by even trying to defend him.  Instead, the coaching staff will spend extra time laughing at 49ers quarterback Alex Smith and how bad he is at football.

 

Not a Fighting Chance in Hell

Is it just me or are brawls becoming increasing commonplace in the sports arena?  During an international basketball “friendly”, Serbia and Greece got into a heated scrap that culminated in Serbian center Nenad Krstic throwing a chair at several Greek players right next to the stands.  Washington Nationals center fielder Nyjer Morgan could have made this list single-handedly, after allegedly throwing a baseball at a fan and, a week later, charging the mound when the pitcher threw behind him.  Over the summer, it became commonplace for some teenagers who desired attention to run around the baseball field, with security guards and players helpless.  Last Friday, though, was when I realized that the violence was getting out of control.  The U.S. open match between Novak Djokovic and Philipp Petzschner had to be delayed because a fight broke out in the stands. 

            That’s right, pushing, shoving, and cursing in the stands interrupted a tennis match, a sport known for its fan’s politeness and decorum.  Now, I do not approach the issue of fighting as an old hack who yearns for the “good old days”; after all, there was never a period of time when there were no brawls of any sort.  However, I do think that the line between players and fans have blurred to a dangerous extent.  We all know what can happen when such a blend occurs, as the infamous 2004 “Malice at the Palace” taught us.  The fact is that neither players nor fans are safe from one another under these current conditions.

            Luckily, most of the recent examples of clashes have proven to be relatively harmless with respect to physical injuries.  However, it does not take a leap of faith to realize that someone can seriously get hurt when a fight gets out of control, for it has happened in recent history.  Remember when Chicago White Sox fans William Ligue and his son attacked Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa for no reason in 2002?  If you don’t, Gamboa permanently lost some of his hearing in the attack, and a knife was subsequently found on Ligue after he was arrested.

            At what point will we stop viewing these fights as “all in good fun” or entertaining and begin examining them as a very real threat?  Add passionate, enthusiastic fans with alcohol, and then throw in intense players and what do we expect to get?  Upon watching the fight at the U.S. Open my first reaction was “where is security?”  In fact, many of the onlookers in the stands remarked the very same thing.  An older man did not have to tumble three rows down the stands; if there were an effective enough security, those involved could have been escorted out as soon as they yelled at each other during the match.  The rules are especially clear in a sport such as tennis: no creating disturbances.

            After a teenage fan ran onto the field at a Philadelphia Phillies game this summer, security eventually tasered him to get him to stop situation from worsening.  They received a great deal of criticism for using that method to get the fan under control, but frankly what other options did they have?  I don’t care whether the fan is harmless in his or her thoughts or not, it can still very easily escalate to the point of serious violence.  On television, fans have the rights to yell whatever they would like, but if they are in a stadium with the actual athletes, they need to keep themselves from chaos, just as players have always had the same obligations.  I just hope that the next time I hear that a tennis match gets delayed that it is due to inclement weather rather than a storm of out-of-control fans.