Your Week 2 NFL Picks Which You Should Not Follow

After a fun-filled opening weekend, the National Football season is upon us.  Now it’s time to cover the most holy of football traditions: who am I going to pick so I can pay my bookie Vinny back and not get my kneecaps broken?  At least, that’s my tradition.  So without further ado, here are my picks to cover the spread, with home teams in all capital letters.

Kansas City (+2.5) over CLEVELAND: Browns QB Jake Delhomme is truly one of the most giving players in the NFL.  He’s willing to pass to anyone, regardless of what color jersey he wears.  He really would be Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream quarterback, if Dr. King wanted to lose.

Buffalo (+13.5) over GREEN BAY: The current selection of offensive lineman for the Bills consists of Goldberg from the Mighty Ducks, George Constanza, and Fat Albert, so protection is a slight issue.  Meanwhile, 35 year-old Packers star cornerback Charles Woodson received an extension through 2014.  Perhaps it’s not coincidental that people in Green Bay are suggesting a change of their stadium to Life Alert field.

Baltimore (PK) over CINCINNATI: The Bengals have two wide receivers with reality shows, a cornerback more known for his visits to strip clubs than his playing skills, and a defensive tackle who had enough weapons in his basement to store a small army. So I think we can agree that they will be completely focused to play.  On the other hand, the Ravens have Ray Lewis who, according to a recent Old Spice commercial, blew up Saturn.

TENNESSEE (-5) over Pittsburgh: The Vince Young and Chris Johnson duo made Oakland Raiders fans feel even worse about being Raiders fans, which really says something about their skills.  The Steelers are still without Ben Roethlisberger, who is suspended for not being a good boy, so they are frantically searching for a new quarterback that the rest of the league can boo.

Philadelphia (OFF) over DETROIT: The Lions suffered a brutal loss to the Chicago Bears last weekend, when wide receiver Calvin Johnson appeared to catch the game-winning touchdown only to have it ruled incomplete.  Luckily, the Lions fans have no idea what happened, since the paper bags over their heads prevented them from seeing the game. 

Chicago (+9.5) over DALLAS: After a sloppy loss to the Washington Redskins, Dallas will be prepared to listen to more Carrie Underwood than ever to get them inspired Sunday against the Bears.  Chicago quarterback Jay Cutler may demand a trade because his team only has one win so far and he misses his mommy.

CAROLINA (OFF) over. Tampa Bay: The Buccaneers won the opening Toilet Bowl of the NFL by defeating Cleveland, showing that they already are better than a real life professional team!  Everyone on the Panthers, meanwhile, seems to be on the hot seat, including cornerback Captain Munnerlyn, who appeared to have been majorly outplayed last week by General Mills and Sergeant Snorkel.

ATLANTA (-7) over Arizona: The Falcons continue to be the most boring team in the NFL, not scoring a touchdown in their overtime loss to the Steelers last week.  This week, however, I expect the hometown gunshots to wake the team up, although it may cause a plethora of false starts.

Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA: Rumor has it that the mayor of Minneapolis has agreed to let the Dolphins win if the Miami Heat allow the Minnesota Timberwolves to have Michael Beasley.  Sadly for Minnesota, they already have Beasley.

St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND: Coming off a bad loss to Tennessee, Raiders owner Al Davis demands some serious changes this week.  So I would expect the 81 year-old Davis to quarterback the team and in the process be better than the past ten Raiders QBs using his zombie face to scare away Rams defenders.

DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle: Tim Tebow made his NFL debut last week, and though his in-game numbers were not particularly impressive, he managed to baptize the entire stadium while giving out free circumcisions.  Can Kyle Orton do that? Well, can he!?

Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON: The Texans shocked perennial AFC powerhouse Indianapolis behind Running Back Arian Foster’s 231 yards and three touchdowns.  Now that Houston head coach Gary Kubiak has a clear-cut number one running back he will decide never to run the ball again and cause fantasy football owners to cry themselves to sleep.

Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO: If Jacksonville defeats San Diego, Jaguars pro bowl running back Maurice Jones-Drew promises to add another last name.  Jacksonville coaches have already asked if he could instead give them their first wide receiver.

New England (+1) over New York Jets: The Patriots got into hot water several years ago for spying on the Jets during a regular season game, but now the Jets are the team with the controversy: Coach Rex Ryan has been said to steal opposing players cheeseburgers and then put extra cheese on them before eating.    

COLTS (-5.5) over Giants: It’s the Manning Bowl again! I can’t wait to see Peyton and Eli make the Manning face before they cut to Archie making the Manning face.  Finally, broadcaster Cris Collinsworth will say “these teams both better ‘Manning’ up followed by Al Michaels banging his head against the wall in despair.

New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO: Saints quarerback Drew Brees is so beloved throughout the nation, the 49ers defense refuses to disrespect him by even trying to defend him.  Instead, the coaching staff will spend extra time laughing at 49ers quarterback Alex Smith and how bad he is at football.

 

Not a Fighting Chance in Hell

Is it just me or are brawls becoming increasing commonplace in the sports arena?  During an international basketball “friendly”, Serbia and Greece got into a heated scrap that culminated in Serbian center Nenad Krstic throwing a chair at several Greek players right next to the stands.  Washington Nationals center fielder Nyjer Morgan could have made this list single-handedly, after allegedly throwing a baseball at a fan and, a week later, charging the mound when the pitcher threw behind him.  Over the summer, it became commonplace for some teenagers who desired attention to run around the baseball field, with security guards and players helpless.  Last Friday, though, was when I realized that the violence was getting out of control.  The U.S. open match between Novak Djokovic and Philipp Petzschner had to be delayed because a fight broke out in the stands. 

            That’s right, pushing, shoving, and cursing in the stands interrupted a tennis match, a sport known for its fan’s politeness and decorum.  Now, I do not approach the issue of fighting as an old hack who yearns for the “good old days”; after all, there was never a period of time when there were no brawls of any sort.  However, I do think that the line between players and fans have blurred to a dangerous extent.  We all know what can happen when such a blend occurs, as the infamous 2004 “Malice at the Palace” taught us.  The fact is that neither players nor fans are safe from one another under these current conditions.

            Luckily, most of the recent examples of clashes have proven to be relatively harmless with respect to physical injuries.  However, it does not take a leap of faith to realize that someone can seriously get hurt when a fight gets out of control, for it has happened in recent history.  Remember when Chicago White Sox fans William Ligue and his son attacked Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa for no reason in 2002?  If you don’t, Gamboa permanently lost some of his hearing in the attack, and a knife was subsequently found on Ligue after he was arrested.

            At what point will we stop viewing these fights as “all in good fun” or entertaining and begin examining them as a very real threat?  Add passionate, enthusiastic fans with alcohol, and then throw in intense players and what do we expect to get?  Upon watching the fight at the U.S. Open my first reaction was “where is security?”  In fact, many of the onlookers in the stands remarked the very same thing.  An older man did not have to tumble three rows down the stands; if there were an effective enough security, those involved could have been escorted out as soon as they yelled at each other during the match.  The rules are especially clear in a sport such as tennis: no creating disturbances.

            After a teenage fan ran onto the field at a Philadelphia Phillies game this summer, security eventually tasered him to get him to stop situation from worsening.  They received a great deal of criticism for using that method to get the fan under control, but frankly what other options did they have?  I don’t care whether the fan is harmless in his or her thoughts or not, it can still very easily escalate to the point of serious violence.  On television, fans have the rights to yell whatever they would like, but if they are in a stadium with the actual athletes, they need to keep themselves from chaos, just as players have always had the same obligations.  I just hope that the next time I hear that a tennis match gets delayed that it is due to inclement weather rather than a storm of out-of-control fans.